All Things Considered
by SVOC Luva
Summary: Slightly AU and Dean Angst. A look into Dean's thought about Max's childhood and his own. Set after Nightmare.
1. Ponderings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Sam and Dean. I especially wish I owned Dean.

Warning: This story mentions physical abuse, but nothing too graphic.

AN: For those of you who are reading my story Life or Something Like It I know that I'm not done with that but I couldn't resist writing this. Also this is in no way related to Life or Something Like It. This has been forming in my head since I saw Nightmare and I finally decided to give in and write it. Did anyone else notice at the end of Nightmare when Dean agrees with Sam that they are lucky to have John as father that Dean is being some what sarcastic? That is what made this start forming this in my head. Anyway I hope you enjoy this and please review. I plan on this being a three shot. Now on with the story!

Chapter 1: Ponderings

It had been three days since the Max incident in Michigan and Dean couldn't stop thinking about it. So here he was in a sleazy ass motel room thinking about Max's childhood and his own all the while trying to fall to sleep. It wasn't as if Dean hadn't felt bad for the poor kid because he did and he could definitely empathize with him, but the fact that his father and uncle beat him did not give Max the right to kill them. Dean had been abused by his father for the better part of his life but he would never and could never kill him, he loved the man too damn much. Dean had always known his father loved him even when John was beating him senseless. Of course Dean hadn't enjoyed the beatings but he could deal with them because he knew his father would always be sorry.

It also helped Dean deal with the beatingsbecause he knew that if he was there to be his dad's punching bag that his dad would never lay a hand on Sammy. Dean had made sure of that, he had protected Sam to the best of his ability and because of that the boy had never felt the pain of being abused.

Dean had hated picking up the pieces of broken glass from shattered bottles that contained various alcoholic beverages. Dean had hated wiping up those spilled alcoholic beverages. Dean had hated his father's glazed eyes and the smell of cheap vodka on his breath. Dean had hated the vice like grip his father's hands had on his arms as he was getting ready to beat Dean into the ground. Dean had hated the feel of his father's fists as they slammed into his stomach as a hammer would slam into a nail. Dean had hated the feeling of his father's heavy boots connecting painfully with his ribs and shins. Dean had hated the feel of the leather from his father's belt on his bare skin when his father really wanted to lay into him. Dean had hated hearing his father's soft sobs of regret as Dean made his way to his and Sammy's shared room after rough beatings. Dean had hated coming out of that room hours later to see his dad passed out on the couch another bottle clenched tightly in his hand.

But Dean had never hated the man. He could never hate his father, no matter what John had done to him. It also hadn't mattered to Dean that he had hated all of those things and more. All that really mattered to him was making sure that Sammy would never have to go through that and to keep his baby brother as healthy and happy as he could. The last thing Dean thought before finally drifting off is that every pain and every humiliation he had toendure from his father's hands was worth it because he knew that he had made sure Sammy had never felt it.

AN: Well that's chapter one I know it's kind of short so sorry. I promise next chapter will be longer. I hope you enjoyed it and please review! Constructive criticism please.


	2. Nightmare

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Sam and Dean. I especially wish I owned Dean.

Warning: This story mentions physical abuse, but nothing too graphic.

AN: I'm sorry It took me so long to update this story. I've been really busy and I had really bad writers block but here is the next chapter. Thanks to Sparks Diamond, Jakesdream, KatieMalfoy19, H.T.Marie, Ghostwriter, Isobel Swan, TeacherTam, Bethany16, and inu-kaglover45 for the reviews! Special thanks to inu-kaglover45 to for getting me to continue writing this story!

Chapter 2: Nightmare

Sam lay awake in bed thinking about how strange Dean had been acting for the last three days. His brother had been silent and contemplative since the whole Max incident and it was really starting to worry Sam. Dean hadn't made one joke since his comment about them going to Vegas and using Sam's physcic abilities to gamble. Dean was usually cracking jokes and being sarcastic so seeing him quiet and reserved made Sam feel uneasy.

Sam turned over on his side to look at his brother who was lying in the bed closest to the door, like always. At first glance Dean appeared to be sleeping peacefully but after studying his brother for a few minutes he realized Dean's sleep was anything but peaceful. The first thing that tipped Sam off to the fact that something was wrong was that his brother was not lying on his stomach like he usually did. The second thing that Sam noticed was the fact that Dean's face would twist into a grimace every few seconds. Next he noticed that Dean was becoming restless and twitchy. Then he started to hear tiny whimpers come from his brother. The whimpers quickly turned into sobs and the sobs into screams.

Sam bolted out of bed and ran over to Dean's side and began gently shaking him awake. Dean's movements were getting more frantic as the seconds passed and Sam was getting more and more worried.

_The scampering of little feet could be heard through out the room as Sammy ran and jumped on to his big brother's bed._

_" Dean... Dean wake up! It's my Birthday! ", Sammy yelled, excited as he shook his brother._

_Dean pretended to be asleep as Sammy whined, " Deeeeannnnnn wake up, come on Dean wake up! " _

_Sammy sighed dejectedly when Dean showed no signs of movement and made a move to get off the bed. After all he was only turning seven, he didn't have a very long attention span. Suddenly Dean bolted up, grabbed him and began tickling him mercilessly. Sammy laughed so hard that tears streamed down his face. _

_" Dean... stop... pl-please stop! ", Sammy pleaded, giggling. _

_Dean stopped and wiped away Sammy's tears of joy with the pad of his thumb. His face lit up in a huge grin and he said, " Happy seventh birthday Sammy!" _

_Sammy grinned and jumped of the bed, ran to the door of their room, and yelled, " Lets go see daddy! " _

_Dean ran after him and grabbed Sam by his pajama bottoms and pulled him back saying, " Hold up birthday boy, why don't we get dressed before heading downstairs. "_

_Sammy nodded and headed over to his dresser. After they were both dressed and Dean had used the bathroom the boys headed downstairs to see their father. When they got downstairs Dean looked around the living room for John while Sammy ran into the kitchen. Dean noticed a pile of empty bear bottles on the coffee table and quickly ran into the kitchen to make sure Sammy was okay. He didn't know if his dad was still drunk so he couldn't trust him to be alone with Sammy. _

_As he stepped into the kitchen he saw dad standing there with a hand on his head while Sammy spoke loudly, " Daddy it's my birthday! "_

_John nodded and grumbled, " That's great Sammy. "_

_As John walked over to the counter and poured himself a cup of coffee Sammy grabbed his pajama pants and tugged._

_" Daddy you're supposed to say happy birthday. ", Sammy said hurt._

_" Sam just shut up, okay! ", John snapped._

_Sammy's lip started quivering and slowly the tears started to fall. _

_" Samuel knock it off! Big boys don't cry! ", John yelled frustrated. _

_' Shit! ', Dean thought, ' I have to get Sammy upstairs! ' _

_Sammy ran over to Dean and Dean pulled him into a hug. _

_" Dean why is daddy being so mean.", Sammy whispered sniffling. _

_Dean sighed and whispered, " Dad drank stuff called alcohol last night and if you drink to much it can make you mean. Dad isn't trying to be mean and he'll apologize later. Why don't you go upstairs and I'll be up in a minute, with one of your presents._

_" Okay! ", Sammy yelled and ran off. _

_Dean walked over to his dad after Sammy was gone and asked, " Dad do you want me to get you some aspirin? " _

_" Dean just get lost! ", John yelled._

_" Dad you have to try today it's Sammy's bir..."_

_Dean stopped talking as John's fist shot out and slammed into his stomach. Dean fell to the ground with the force of the blow and he looked up at his father his eyes full of fear. _

_" Dad I'm sorry, I'll just go upstairs and take care of Sammy.", Dean said in a small and timid voice._

_" I don't think so you little shit! ", John yelled angrily._

_Dean started scooting backwards in fear. He kept backing up until he was backed up into the wall. John began walking towards him and Dean started trembling._

_" I... I'm sorry sir. Please just l-let me go upstairs. Da- dad pl-please don't.", he begged._

_John shook his head and reached down and grabbed Dean by his shirt collar. Dean bit his lip to keep from crying. His dad would hit him harder if he cried plus he didn't want Sammy to hear it. John pushed Dean face forward into the wall and kept one hand on his neck to keep him there. With the other hand John undid his belt buckle. _

_When Dean heard the sound of the belt buckle he began pleading again, " Daddy pl-please stop. I'm sorry. I-I'll be good I promise. Da-daddy please don't do this." _

_He was trying his hardest to keep from crying but he was quickly becoming hysterical. _

_" Daddy please don't do this. ", he said frantic._

_John ignored him and started beating him with the belt._

" Daddy please don't do this! ", Dean screamed as he shot up in bed.

Dean sobbed and gasped for breath. Sam was unsure of what to do and he finally decided on pulling Dean into a hug. Dean who wasn't really awake yet clutched on to Sam tightly and sobbed.

" Hey hey Dean it's okay. Shh it's okay it was just a dream. ", Sam said while rubbing Dean's back.

As Dean started calming down Sam helped him lay back down so he was lying on his side. Sam continued rubbing Dean's back until he was lulled back to sleep. Now Sam was really worried.

AN: So how I'd do? Please Review. Constructive criticism please.


	3. Realizations

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Dean and the Impala! A girl can dream can't she!

Warning: This story mentions physical abuse, but nothing too graphic.

AN: Thanks to supersnooper, inu-kaglover45, LovinJackson, tvbatina, dustori, Brenny, Leah8723, and SpookyClaire for the reviews!

supersnooper: I'm glad you like it and I'm definitely planning to update more frequently!

inu-kaglover45: The review you left really meant a lot to me and I really appreciated it. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter!

LovinJackson: I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far!

tvbatina: I'm happy you won't more, thanks for reviewing!

dustori: I'm glad you like it a lot! I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

Brenny: It's great to hear I'm doing a good job, thanks for reviewing!

Leah8723: Thanks for the enthusiastic review, I hope you enjoy this chapter too!

SpookyClaire: I'm glad you liked it! If it's any consolation I'm sorry I got the title first.

Now on with the story!

Chapter 3: Realizations

It had been hours since Dean had fallen asleep and Sam still hadn't moved from his seat at the edge of his brother's bed. He just sat there and stared at Dean's now peaceful face. He had switched from rubbing Dean's back to running gentle fingers through his soft hair.

Sam had never seen Dean freak out like that before and it scared the hell out of him. Sam could only remember a few occasions when he had seen Dean cry and not one of those times had there been more than silent tears. But last night Dean had been sobbing, the kind of crying that makes your whole body shake and leaves you gasping for breath. Though the fact that Dean had sobbed was not the most disturbing thing about Dean's freak out. The fact is Dean hadn't even been lucid. After he'd stopped crying he had stared into space with anguished eyes until he had finally fallen to sleep. It was like he hadn't realized that Sam had been there at all and that scared Sam _much _more than Dean crying did.

And yet there was still something more disturbing to Sam than the fact that Dean had not realized he was there. It was the words that Dean had screamed as he bolted up in bed that Sam found the most disturbing. He had screamed, his voice hysterical, "Daddy please don't do this!" Sam could only remember one time he had heard Dean call their dad _daddy_ and it had been a _very _long time ago. Also what had John been about to do to Dean to make him so scared, he had never heard Dean sound that scared before. Sam couldn't help but wonder if Dean's sudden nightmare had something to do with everything that had gone down in Michigan. That, after all was when Dean had started acting strange.

Sam thoughts drifted back to when he and Dean had been getting in the car after leaving Max's house.

"_Well I'll tell you one thing, we're lucky we had Dad.", Sam said, serious._

_"I never thought I'd hear you say **that**.", Dean said, surprised._

_"Well, it could have gone a whole other way after Mom. A little more tequila, a little less…demon hunting…and we would've had Max's childhood. All things considered, we turned out okay. Thanks to him.", Sam said, serious._

_" All things considered.", Dean said, somewhat sarcastically._

_There was a brief flash of pain in Dean's eyes but it was quickly erased as Dean put his mask back up._

"Oh God.", Sam whispered to himself. He couldn't believe it, how could he have not seen it before? Dad had abused Dean and this whole incident with Max had brought up some bad memories for Dean resulting in last nights nightmare. He couldn't help it as the feelings of anger welled up inside of him. He was angry with John for hurting Dean, he was angry at Dean for not telling him, and he was angry at himself for not realizing what had been going on. He took a couple of deep breaths to calm himself down. If he was going to talk to Dean about this he needed to be calm, the last thing Dean needed was for Sam to be yelling at him. After all the situation wasn't Dean's fault it was John's. Dean had probably been scared and also trying to protect Sam from the fact that John would ever hurt his kids.

Sam took another deep breath and ran his hands through his hair before gently shaking Dean awake. It didn't take long for Dean's eyes lashes to flutter as he slowly opened his eyes. After blinking a few times and taking in his surroundings Dean sat up and turned to look at Sam.

"What's going on Sammy?", Dean croaked, his throat sore.

"We need to talk Dean.", Sam said, extremely serious.

"What about Sammy?", Dean said, groaning.

"Dean do you remember what happened last night?", asked Sam.

"Of course I do, I went to a bar and hustled some pool and then I came back here and went to bed.", Dean said, irritated.

"That's not what I'm talking about Dean.", Sam said.

"Then what the hell are you talking about Sam?", Dean asked getting angry.

"Dean do you remember the nightmare you had last night?", Sam asked gently.

Dean froze and Sam could tell that the nightmare was coming back to him.

"Dean do you remember what happened after the nightmare?", Sam asked in a soft voice.

After a few minutes Dean shook his head, " No Sammy I can't remember. What happened?"

"Well when you finally woke up you screamed Daddy please don't do this. You started sobbing and I didn't know what to do so I just hugged you and rubbed your back. You had me in a death grip Dean, you were so upset, you cried for an hour before you calmed down. Then I helped you get settled down on the bed and kept rubbing your back until you fell to sleep. God Dean it was like you didn't even realize I was there. I was worried sick about you.", Sam said his voice shaky.

Dean swallowed hard and ran a shaky hand through his hair, "I'm sorry Sammy. I'm sorry I lost it like that and I'm sorry I worried you."

"I hate to break it to you Dean but I've been worried about you since we left Michigan. You've been really quiet and reserved Dean and now you had this nightmare and you can't remember what happened after it... Dean we need to talk about what you said when you woke up.", Sam said gently.

Dean shook his head and said in a strong voice, "No."

AN: So how'd I do? Please review. Constructive criticism. I had planned on this being a three shot but it's obviously going to be longer. But only if you guys want me to continue.


	4. Let Go

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Supernatural related, but I wish I owned Dean and the Impala! A girl can dream can't she!

Warning: This story mentions physical abuse, but nothing too graphic.

AN: Thanks for the reviews ToriTheReviewer, The-NightWalking-DayDreamer, tvbatina, ash-rox, friendly, SpookyClaire, dustori, Zenamydog, Brenny, Winchester494, Wolf Maid, TeacherTam, Ghostwriter, Dybdahl, and cHoCoLaTe-cHiHuAhUa. I'm sorry that I haven't updated, I've had severe writers block when it comes to this story. I hope you enjoy the chapter.

Chapter 4: Let Go

"Dean I understand that you don't want to talk about this, and especially not with me, but you need to. It's eating you up inside and I'm sorry but, I'm all you got, so we're going to talk about this.", Sam said, resolutely.

"I said _**no**_ Sam!", Dean yelled, stubbornly. He got up from the bed and walked over to his duffle bag. He grabbed a pair of jeans, roughly shoving his legs into the pant legs, and then he pulled on another shirt. Then he walked over to the little table in their motel room and grabbed his jacket from the chair. "We're done with this conversation, I'm going to go grab a cup of coffee."

Sam quickly moved to stand in front of the door, blocking Dean's exit. "You're not going anywhere Dean and we're going to talk about this.", he spoke, firmly.

"Yes I am and no we're not. Now get out of the way Sam.", Dean insisted, breathing heavily, his normally hazel-green eyes shining vibrant green with anger. He made a move toward Sam, but Sam grabbed him before he could do anything. Not that Sam thought Dean was going to hurt him because Dean wouldn't, but he would try to pull him away from the door.

"No Dean, you're not leaving this room until we've talked about this.", Sam said, standing firm.

Dean struggled in Sam's grip, but Sam held on tightly. "Let go of me!", Dean huffed.

"No, not unless you're ready to talk about this. 'Cause I can do this all day Dean, you're the one making this harder than it has to be.", Sam said, calmly.

"FUCK YOU, LET GO OF ME!", Dean screamed, his voice cracking with emotion, as he continued to struggle.

Sam could feel Dean's energy waning, and honestly Sam was getting tired himself. This was killing him, seeing Dean trying so desperately to burry the pain away. Just as Sam was about to speak Dean's voice shocked him into silence. "Why are you doing this to me?", Dean whispered, brokenly. "Please… just stop."

Sam sighed heavily, he hated this but he couldn't let it go, Dean needed to deal with this. "I'm sorry Dean, but I can't do that, as much as I want to I can't stop. You need to deal with this."

After Sam's statement Dean just deflated, sagging against his brother. Sam slowly lowered Dean to the floor before sitting down next to him. Sam made sure to stay in front of the door in case Dean made a run for it. It didn't look like Dean was about to do any running though. He was sitting with his back to Sam, but Sam could see his muscles trembling, straining as he tried to keep his emotions in check. Sam slowly reached out, gripping Dean's shoulders and twisting him around so he could see his face.

What he saw made his heart constrict painfully, Dean's jaw was clenched, his chin and lower lip trembling, and his agonized eyes filled to the brim with unshed tears. Sam could see that Dean was barely holding them back, he was fighting so hard, but he just couldn't keep it under control. Sam slowly reached forward and firmly, but gently gripped Dean's chin. "Dean tell me why you said daddy please don't do this.", he demanded, softly.

He watched Dean choke on a sob, and shakily take a deep breath, "I can't do this Sammy, I can't."

"Yes, you can. It's okay to tell me Dean, you don't always have to be the strong one. Let someone take care of you for a change, let _me _take care of you. Dean as long as I can remember you've always been there for me, always taken care of me, protected me. I've always felt safe, protected, loved, and cherished by you. Now it my turn to be there for you, my turn to take care of you, my turn to protect you. And now it's your turn to feel safe, protected, loved, and cherished. You've always taken care me, but I don't think that there is really anyone who has taken care of you.", Sam spoke, softly, honestly.

A few tear drops leaked out of Dean's eyes as he choked back a sob at Sam's statement. "I don't know… I don't know how to do this Sammy.", Dean whispered shakily, running a tired hand through his soft dark blonde hair.

"I know Dean, I know. How 'bout I just ask you questions and you do your best to answer them. We'll figure out the rest later, okay?", Sam asked.

Dean nodded and Sam asked the first question. "Why did you say daddy please don't do this, was dad hurting you?"

Dean nodded and another tear drop made its way down his cheek. Sam sighed before asking, "Do you know why?"

"Yeah, it was… it was your 7th birthday and you were pretty damn excited. Actually the morning started off good, we played for a little while before going downstairs. When we got downstairs you went running into the kitchen… that's when I… that's when I saw all the beer bottles on the coffee table. I didn't know when he'd started drinkin' so I couldn't trust him to be alone with you. I got to the kitchen and he started yelling at you about… something and you got upset. After I calmed you down I sent you upstairs. I… uh I offered to get him some aspirin and he told me… he told me to get lost. Then I said that he had to at least try that day because it was your birthday. He was still drunk… and he got angry.", he answered, shakily, staring down at his worn jeans.

"Dean what did he do to you?", Sam asked, gently.

"He punched me in the gut… real hard and then… then he beat me with his belt.", Dean answered, more tears falling from his eyes, some clumping in his gorgeously long lashes.

"Okay.", Sam whispered, shakily. "Uh, was that the first time?"

Dean shook his head, more tears falling, and his body straining again, with the effort it was taking to keep the sobs at bay.

"That fuckin' bastard!", Sam hissed, angrily.

"Sam don't hate him, he… he was always so sorry. Most of the time he would cry after. I think he would get angry at me pretty fast because I look like mom. Sometimes when he was drunk he'd say… he'd say that it hurt to much to look at me. But he was always sorry Sammy, so it's okay.", Dean whispered.

"Dean just because he was sorry doesn't make it okay for him to hit you.", Sam said, exasperated.

"I Know but, what do you think I should've done. I love dad and he needed… needed me to take care of him. Just like you needed me to take care of you. I could handle it 'cause I knew that dad loves me and that he'd always be sorry. I knew that because he was… was hitting me he wouldn't be hitting you. And Sammy it would've been so much worse if CPS… CPS had gotten involved because we'd probably never have seen dad again, and we probably would… would have been separated. If that had happened I… I wouldn't have been able to handle it.", Dean said, brokenly.

"Dean I'm so sorry you had to go through that.", Sam said, pulling Dean closer and encircling him in his arms. He pulled Dean's head down to rest on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "Let go Dean, I've gotcha now, just let go."

Dean was shuddering with every breath and he felt the tears in his eyes brimming over. He took one last shuddering breath and when he exhaled his broke down into sobs.

AN: So I've finally updated I hope you enjoyed. There is one more chapter left. Please Review it's very much appreciated. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Alaina


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